Breaking news is hard business.

Hard if you’re a paid professional.

Harder still if your an unpaid unprofessional.

Harder than we imagined.

It’s a 24/7 news cycle and you’re only as good as your last breaking news story.

Working around the clock, checking and re-checking sources, on Sunday, June 17th The Chickenhawk was the first media outlet in the world to publish news of Roger Clemens’ acquittal.

Beating breaking news giants:  The New York Times, Huffington Post, and TMZ to the revelation.

Humble site statistics went through the roof.

Koby, Kory, Kacy,  and Kody typed “Save Roger” in their google toolbars.

Writers, journalists, editors, publishers, prosecutors, prognosticators, pornographers, fornicators, and men in suits wondered what they were missing.

As lunch time passed into late afternoon, and still no word from the jury, we wondered too.

Our journalistic integrity was at stake, not to mention the integrity of our unnamed source.

Ben Bradlee-types patted their internet porn, crystal meth addicted Ivy League journalism degree carrying reporters on their khaki wearing asses, assuring them and themselves they’re doing a great job.

On Monday, after nearly 10 hours of deliberation, legal analyst Dan LaRoche, when asked if there was any truth to our online story, said:  “I don’t thinks so, based on the amount of documents the jury has asked for, we don’t expect a verdict until at least Wednesday, maybe later.”

We’re not certain what the jurors worked on all day, but at 6:40 pm EST Clemens’ acquittal was official.

The internet can be a strange and scary place.

Pop-ups, viruses, uploads, downloads, usernames and passwords.

Snooki tweets she’s pregnant.

The Daily Beast posts Anderson is gay.

People reports Katie is no longer wearing Tom’s wedding ring.

The breathless world waits to inhale the next big breaking news story.

The Chickenhawk:  Breaking News So You Can Just Sit There.

COOPERSTOWN, NY —  During a recent radio interview, Hall of Famer Goose Gossage said Roger Clemens should never make it into the Hall of Fame.

Gossage said Clemens lied about steroid use, labeled him a cheater, and likened him to OJ.

“Are we going to reward these guys for cheating? Even though he was found innocent, it was because of the bad testimony. No one believed McNamee and Pettitte kind of changed his thing, ‘Did I really hear what he told me.’ O.J. Simpson, did you believe he didn’t kill those two people?”

Goose went on to say The Chickenhawk e-mail pen pal, Jose Canseco, is telling the truth:  “Canseco is the only guy who has come clean. Like him or not, he is telling the truth. These guys lie, lie, lie and lie. Roger, I think, is in the same boat. I think there is validity to him using and absolutely not do they belong in the Hall of Fame.”

“Cheaters? Does a test count when you get busted for cheating on a test. No and neither should steroids. There is no place for them in the Hall of Fame.”

by Max Steingrout (guest columnist, Las Vegas Legend / Legal Analyst / Hollywood Insider)

WASHINGTON –

Breakfast in bed, a round of golf, the US Open, a straight-up martini, extra dry – no fruit, and Game 3 of the NBA Championship.

While America celebrates a Happy Father’s Day, Roger Clemens sweats inside a hotel room somewhere in our nation’s capital.

If Roger types “Save Roger” into his Google search bar, he’ll stumble into our humble, One & Only Sports & Entertainment News & Investigative Degenerate, Internet, Destination Resort and, perhaps, The Rocket Man will rest easy because we are the first media outlet in the world to announce:

Roger Clemens has been acquitted!                                W

Inside sources have revealed to The Chickenhawk that the jury was not presented with enough evidence to prove Roger Clemens used steroids or performance enhancing drugs beyond a shadow of doubt.

Over the years, investigators have wondered if we have ever used performance enhancing drugs.

The answer: Yes! Of course. In the ’50s martinis, in the ’60s acid, in the 70’s cocaine, in the 80’s ecstasy, in the ’90’s crystal meth, now it’s martinis again, and erectile dysfunction drugs.

Steroids and HGH? We never thought they’d help us with our sports picks.

If we thought they would have, however, then we would probably be in the same situation as Roger Clemens.

Anyhoo, sleep tight Rocket Man, tomorrow it will be official.

WASHINGTON –

Poor Rocket Man.

Not since Jesus has there been a more persecuted soul.

First, his personal trainer shoots up his wife in their bedroom with hardcore drugs, without his knowledge while he’s away on a road trip.

Then, he’s named as a steroid user in MLB’s Mitchell Report.

Then his friend, Andy Pettitte remembered, and maybe misremembered, Roger telling him he’d used HGH.

Mr. Clemens, like a young Mr. Smith, goes to Washington to defend his good name.

Instead, Congress throws him a perjury curveball.

Now, after all this, his fate rests in the hands of strangers.

Is Clemens like Jesus?

Stay tuned America, once acquitted he, & attorney Rusty Hardin, will let us know.

WASHINGTON –

Beer cans, syringes, steroids, cotton balls, blood, puss and cell debris:  The Roger Clemens Witch Trial continues.

Haters, left-wingers, baseball Puritans, and Keith Olbermanns will tell you Clemens is on trial for lying under oath to Congress.

He’s not.

He’s now on trial for using steroids.

In order to prosecute the former, the government must prove the latter.

Cornered like a strung-out, rabid raccoon, after being fingered as a steroid user in 2007’s Mitchell Report, Clemens had to make a stand.

Like the OJ trial or a Catholic marriage, you make a decision and then you stick with it no matter the evidence or how much you hate the fucking bitch.

With an ego the size of Texas, Clemens made his decision: deny, deny, deny.

Prosecution DNA expert, Alan Keel, testified that blood and puss on cotton balls matched the genetic profile of The Rocket Man.

Alan said, “I would expect this profile to be unique to only one person that has ever lived on the planet.”

Defense attorney, Rusty Hardin believes this means there’s a chance it might match a person from another planet.

Momma taught us: if it smells like bad chicken, it’s probably bad chicken.

“Let me be clear: I have never used steroids or HGH.”

– Roger Clemens, February, 2008

WASHINGTON, DC –

The US government has charged Roger Clemens with perjury.

Four years, a mistrial, and six weeks into the new trial, the Clemens trial is the trial no one really wants.

The Rocket doesn’t want it. Andy Pettite doesn’t want it. Brian McNamee doesn’t want it. US District Judge Reggie Walton doesn’t want it. The jury doesn’t want it. The prosecution doesn’t want it. Major League Baseball doesn’t want it. America doesn’t want it. The National Media doesn’t want it.

Coverage has been exhausted, relegated to page twos, third-rate local anchors, Ritalin-riddled roving reporters and random sports & entertainment websites.  

The Chickenhawk pen-pal, Jose Canseco says: “It’s ridiculous. There’s got to be better ways to spend taxpayer money.”

Hollywood insider, Max Steingrout, explains: “There’s no sizzle. Let’s face it, it’s yesterday’s news baby. Look, the guy’s a prick, but it’s not like he killed someone. No one wants to see him go to prison. Trust me, he ain’t going to prison, as they say in Vegas, ‘the fix is in.’ He’s got friends in high places.”

When asked if he thinks Clemens used steroids, Canseco adds: “I was always suspicious, but if you ask me if I had solid evidence, did I ever put him in contact, did I ever inject him, did I ever see him use steroids, the answer would be no.”