Archive for the ‘Chasing Nolan Ryan’ Category

Where’s the beef?

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

The First Annual Big Fish Fry Six Figure ($100,000) Challenge ™ was a huge success. Proud participants, in spite of a roller coaster ride for the ages, wound up with $100,000 victory checks.

The Chickenhawk has announced our imminent September retirement and we have been forced to take a look inward to see where we are, where we have been and where we are going.

Without the NBA we’ve been forced to wager on inter-league (hot tip: bet AL), the dogs, the horses, and the cockroaches under the refrigerator.

Rather than recycle classic “dump of the day” columns, we’re opting for the slightly more respectable title of “investigative journalist.” Like Geraldo but not as handsome.

Disclaimer: Max Steingrout is not a professional investigator, nor is he a professional journalist. He is a professional degenerate. He is someone with street smarts and a nose for the news.

Besides, how hard can investigative journalism be?

In 1986 Jose Canseco bashed his way into super-stardom. The same year, 39 year old declining power pitching legend & admitted fitness nut, Nolan Ryan, turns the clock back and wins strikeout crowns into his, previously unheard of, forties.

The question: Did Nolan Ryan use performance enhancing drugs?

We are not saying “Nolan Ryan did steroids.” That would be blog suicide. Before we say it — we must investigate.

A quick google search informs of Ryan’s ownership interest in something called “Nolan Ryan All Natural Beef.” Sounds suspicious.

Utilizing a technique borrowed from famed investigator, Fletch, we assume the identity of a potential buyer:

(the following is actual e-mail correspondence)

From: Max Steingrout  To:

Subject: Express

Dear Nolan Ryan Beef,

We are having a very Big Family reunion & we are Big baseball fans & Big Nolan Ryan fans — so, we figured why not inquire with Nolan Ryan Beef? (!).

Can we purchase large amount of beef directly from Nolan Ryan Beef?

This is going to be a week long barbecue event and we will be looking for many different items, delivered one time — in quantity.

If possible, we’d like to have Mr. Ryan deliver in person, meet (meat!) & greet, photo-opp, & brief question & answer.

Maybe he could even throw out the ceremonial first pitch(?) at our annual softball game.

Thank you in advance,

Max Steingrout

From: Charlie Bradbury  To:

Subject: RE: Express


Thank you for your inquiry and best wishes for a successful family reunion. I don’t get involved in Nolan’s personal travel schedule but I am happy to forward your request regarding his attendance at your event! The first question we would have to answer is where you are located, we might be able to sell you direct but the challenge is always with keeping the beef cold and getting it delivered safely. Let me know your location and some idea as to how many people you are trying to feed and I can at least offer you some alternatives.

Charlie Bradbury

Easier than expected, we seem to have fooled Charlie Bradbury with our reunion ruse. He obviously has no idea how few Steingrouts there are.

Unfortunately for us, Bradbury does not seem to have the desire to put us in touch with Nolan Ryan directly.

This project may prove to be more difficult than first imagined.

Stay tuned.

This has been a Max Steingrout, Investigative Journalist, Special Report.

Over & Under.

Chasing Nolan Ryan

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Prologue – It’s important to remember that, not only did Nolan Ryan win Max Steingrout AKA- The Chickenhawk a ton of money over his career, but he was also a personal hero. Still is.

Everything must be put in the context of their own times. Uppers, downers, greenies, (helen) reddies, excercise, caffeine, hookers, corked bats, crystal meth, spit-balls, stealing signs, cold showers, steroids & HGH. No one is to blame & no one is at fault.

Question: If it is proven that a player(s) in the Hall of Fame did steroids, should they remain in the Hall?

Answer: Yes.

It will also clear the way for the other steroid era diamond heroes to enter the hallowed (hollowed?) Hall.